The Truth About Confidence

For anyone who has seen a Shine Through program or has read Falcon’s Prey or Lymeria, you probably picked up a pretty obvious “Confidence is the way of the future!” vibe. For six plus years, I have been using writing as an esteem booster, and for four of those years, I have used motivational speaking to encourage others to find their own ways to gain confidence. But it was only this past summer that I myself learned the most important thing about confidence.
It came like a slap in the face. Simple, easy, obvious, and smarted like no one’s business. Why hadn’t I realized it before? It’s not like the idea was so otherworldly that I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming. The scary thing was that it was all so there, like a shop window you pass on your way to school, but fail to notice. Then, on a rainy day, as you find shelter under the awning after dejectedly walking home from missing the bus, you notice. How could you have not seen the beautiful things inside?
I have been practicing the art of self esteem my whole life. I have also enjoyed the fine sport of a good challenge. So, naturally, when I was shoved into the role of Lola in Damn Yankees a few weeks ago, I accepted the character as a worthy opponent. Boy was I in for a ride.
During the short breath of air before senior year, I discovered just how tough one of my biggest fears truly sized up to be. Lola was a fierce, sassy Latin seductress who drove men wild and got all the big dance numbers. I am a short, operatic piece of white bread who giggles at uncomfortable intervals and dropped out of tap class in the seventh grade after the first day. Nonetheless, I announced my determination and dedication to both the director and choreographer with a brave face and mounting courage. It wasn’t long till I was stepping on everyone’s feet and being told that my “sexy” voice sounded like Forrest Gump. It was turning into a long summer.
Opening night came on a Thursday. A long Thursday. A hot, sticky, muggy Thursday.
Being a veteran of the theater since age six, I had only occasionally experienced the butterflies and the shakes. Acting has always been, well, my thing. And I was always proud of the hard work I put in to make each performance my best. On that stifling, suffocating Thursday, I was perfectly ill.
Stage fright. Was I seriously falling victim to stage fright? Well, first the nausea, then the headache, and as I popped a Tylenol for the abdominal pain, my teeth chattered so loud that my friend offered me his jacket…in August. It was stage fright, the bane of the acting world, the vampire that seemed to suck all confidence out of my jugular. I felt the cold breeze of terror slide beneath the walls and through the cracks of my one true stronghold. After years of struggling with my self esteem, with bullies and loneliness, I had never once thought that my acting could ever be the target.
I moved out of the dressing room, where most of the cast sat in a messy circle singing the Beatles, and wandered off into the wings, or the side of the stage where everything was blindingly dark. I didn’t want to be seen in all my nervous glory. As I clung to the curtain ropes and tried desperately not to hyperventilate, I pondered.
Why this? Why now? I was finally at the moment in my life where things seemed perfect. My whole life I had wanted half of what I have earned over the past few years, and I can’t possibly be more grateful for it all. I have ventured far from being the friendless, overly-obsessive fat kid. I even refused to do many things that I loved out of fear of judgment and disappointment. Now, I have more friends than I can count, am starring in roles I had only ever dreamed of playing, am the author of two novels, have had the opportunity to reach out to young people across the nation, am complimented on my previously non-existent sense of style, and I’m loving life more and more each day. I thought that, if I could valiantly vanquish Lola in all her skimpy costumes and Charo-esque accent, I would finally have reached the top of my mountain, and could sit back and enjoy the view from my throne.
So it’s obvious why that slap in the face hurt so much. I realized, after sprinting uphill to receive my prize of a life’s supply of self esteem, I would never be able to.
Confidence is not a destination, but a sometimes bumpy, always scenic road that can lead you nowhere but up.
At the moment, I was struggling through a pothole.
The lights on the stage faded to black and I realized in a panicky hiccup of time that it was my turn to go on. Still keeping my head high, but feeling my knees tremble, I felt my way across the stage and sat on the chair placed slightly stage left, my heart pounding louder than the percussion from the orchestra below.
I had about twenty seconds to collect my thoughts and keep myself from fainting. What was I supposed to do now? The realization that I could never have perfect confidence was enough to throw me off balance, and with the added stage fright, I needed to resolve things fast. So, even if I completely conquered the Lola beast there and then, I would not be the queen of anything. Okay, that didn’t help…
But if I overcame my insecurities anyway, I would still be proud of my performance and still have a lot more self esteem than when I started. Better… And, if I knew that I would always have challenges to face, Lola wouldn’t seem so monstrous. Getting warmer… And most importantly, if I let go of all my inhibitions with this show, and realized that I was no superman, then I would be able to relax and enjoy the challenges and rewards that life would bring with a brave heart and a deeper appreciation. A little preach-y but as close to perfect as it would get with three seconds to go…
I took a deep breath. The lights came up.
And I had the time of my life.
So now, with Damn Yankees behind me and a life of improvement before me, I feel just fine. Knowing that I will always have a battle to fight makes me stronger. And knowing that my confidence will only grow brighter whether I win or lose makes me look to the future. We are all capable of making ourselves just a little better than we were the day before. That piece of proverbial comfort food may be just what we need to push ourselves just a little farther each day.
It gives us a gratitude for the things we have and the excitement to try new things. Confidence is always right beside us, waiting for our permission to give us a little nudge or a great leap to do what we never dreamed possible. So pack your sunscreen and charge your cameras. The long road of confidence is a beautiful thing. Snap a few pictures. Write a few postcards. And above all, enjoy the journey.

Spring Fever

Got spring fever? I do. What is it about spring that gives us that fuzzy feeling inside? The melting of the snow? The birds that wake you up at five in the morning when you’re still asleep? The idea that you have to start mowing the lawn every Wednesday afternoon? The pollen? The spring cleaning? The ants in your pantry? (The ants in your pants?)

Though all these things most definitely signal spring’s arrival, I think that spring fever comes from the idea of new beginnings. Just like a tree begins to blossom with new flowers, we feel as if we, too, can make a new start. And what better way to start anew than by being yourself?

This spring, as you begin to scrub the places in your house that haven’t been scrubbed since last year’s spring cleaning—gross—you can also begin to think about new ways in which you can practice being yourself. Maybe there’s a school sport starting up this month. If you think it sounds like fun, go sign up for the team, no matter what you think your friends will think. If they really care about you, they won’t care that you like something that they don’t.

By letting yourself Shine Through, you are creating new experiences that you would have never imagined yourself being a part of. Try something new and exciting! Look at the world through your own eyes and you’ll see so many more fun opportunities to enjoy being yourself.

So, grab some Mr. Clean, some tissues for those allergy-induced sneezes, a fly swatter, and some self esteem, and get ready for a great new spring beginning! Just, be careful not to overdo it. You remember what happened the last time you used a fly swatter…

Mosaic

“…Each of us puts in one little stone, and then you get a great mosaic at the end.” -Alice Paul (1885-1977), suffragist and author of the Equal Rights Amendment.

She’s right, you know. We need to be aware of where we put ourselves in that mosaic, and that we like where we are. We must all work together in harmony to create a beautiful and worthwhile piece of art! (Yeah, I know. I just had to say it. But the corny moment’s over now…)

But, even though it sounds like a line from an episode of Captain Planet, (Go Planet!!!), it’s completely true. We all need to decide—or design—the piece of the mosaic we want to be.

What does that mean? Well, how do you become a piece of broken stone—I mean, um, a piece of fine art? You learn to be yourself. If you are to become someone who is worth being part of a mosaic, you need to have the self esteem to become your own person. You can’t worry about what anyone else thinks. You are unique, and that’s what matters when making true art.

Take the Mona Lisa, for example. If she wasn’t herself and decided to be, say, macaroni art, there would be no reason for The DaVinci Code! (And that would really be a shame, wouldn’t it, Mister Hanks?)

It’s a pretty bad idea to not be yourself. If you really were a piece of shattered pottery, (which I’m not saying you are), you wouldn’t want to look like the piece of shattered pottery next to you. An artist would never pick you up to use!

You could stare at any given mosaic for two hours and I guarantee that you won’t be able to find any two matching pieces. (After two hours, you probably won’t be able to find your ride home, either.) But, even though no two pieces are the same, they all work together seamlessly to create a dazzling mosaic for the world to admire! (Okay, maybe I wasn’t completely done with my corny moment. But I’m finished now…I think…)

When in doubt, listen to Alice: it’s a good idea to be yourself, because you are an important part of the grander scheme. (She agrees that it’s also a good idea to sign up for the Shine Through Newsletter. But we’ll get to that later…)

In conclusion, only you can prevent forest fires! Wait, that’s not it.

To sum things up, the power is yours! Oh, wait, no. That’s Captain Planet again.

Oh, right! Always remember to Shine Through! That’s better.

(Okay, now my corny moment is officially over. But it was fun while it lasted.)

Sign up for the newsletter today!
(Just go to the home page and sign up in the grey area above the SJ Magazine article.)

New Year’s Resolutions!

Happy New Year, everyone! Now that 2008 is FINALLY here, I’m sure that everyone is ready for a great new beginning and a fresh start. I know I am, (especially after all those Christmas cookies…)

New Year’s resolutions are fun to make, but can sometimes be hard to follow throughout the year. I know I’ve had trouble. Last year I promised myself that I wouldn’t overdo it on the Christmas cookies….Oh, well. You win some, you lose some. But what’s most important is if you try. And when you get through that first month, the other eleven are easy!

This year, I’m making a New Year’s resolution to Shine Through as much as possible. What do I mean? Each time I’m faced with a situation in which I have the choice to follow the crowd or be myself, I plan to be myself.

Huh?

Well, because I can see into the future (…), on January 20^th, my friends and I go to see Enchanted in theaters. Again. And they all order a small popcorn, a bag of Skittles and a 16 oz. bottle of water. I’m not the biggest fan of popcorn. (Don’t get me wrong: I like eating it when I’m watching movies in the house where there’s dental floss nearby. And I’m definitely not carrying toothpaste in my pocket. Though there’s nothing wrong with that…)

So, in that situation, I would order myself a big bag of chocolate covered raisins. So, why is that such a big deal? Well, if I was wearing a mask in that situation, I would have ordered a small popcorn, a bag of Skittles and a 16 oz. bottle of water. Why? Because that’s what all my friends ordered. Why should I be any different? It’s a very small situation, but it can mean a whole lot. When you Shine Through, you choose to be yourself in whatever the situation may be. Especially when it involves choosing chocolate over corn…

My New Year’s resolution is that simple: I plan to be myself as much as possible! And you should, too. Besides, you’re the only you that you know. Who else is better suited to be YOU than YOU?

So pull out a sheet of paper and jot down your New Years resolutions, including your plan to Shine Through. (And don’t forget to write down that one about not drinking soda so fast. Don’t forget what happened the last couple of times you did that…)

Have a happy, healthy New Year! And don’t forget to Shine Through!

Be careful what you wish for...

How many times have you said “Oh my gosh, I wish I was her”? Okay, maybe you’ve never said that, but I’m sure you’ve thought it. I know I have, especially when watching “The Princess Bride” at the very beginning when Buttercup’s on the farm, and …well, you know.

But, if you honestly would give anything to become someone else, you don’t realize your self-worth. When you idealize, you put yourself down. You become your own worst enemy, which is extremely dangerous. What exactly is idealization? How is it different from admiration?

When you admire someone, you like something about them. Period.

Example: This past weekend, I went to the Texas Book Festival (soo much fun), and met my favorite author of all time, Gail Carson-Levine. I admire her work, and I hope to become as successful a writer as her someday. Do I want to become her? Not really. (Unless you give me the movie deal for “Ella Enchanted” & a chance to meet Anne Hathaway…)

When you aspire to be like someone, you not only admire something about them, you apply it to yourself in a good way.

Example: Alice Paul, a Women’s Rights suffragette in the early 1900’s, grew up around where I live. I am inspired by her bravery and intelligence, and aspire to become as strong a woman as she was. Do I want to become her? Not exactly. (Unless it means switching places with Hilary Swank in the movie about Alice Paul, especially the part where she meets McDreamy…)

When you idealize, it’s no longer “I like her Jimmy Choos!” or “I love her ability to play the cymbals! I want to learn to do that!” Your attitude changes from the Sunshine Care Bear to the Rain-cloud Grumpy Bear. You say “Why are her shoes better than mine? I would do anything to look as good in them as she does!”

Can you see the problem?

If you were to idealize someone, you would go out of your way to convince yourself that you are worthless, and then try desperately to become someone who you feel is better. Instead of trying to improve yourself to become a better person, you change yourself to become a different person. You change your hair, clothes, personality, interests, values, and behavior, all to become someone you’re not.

Idealization can be very dangerous. (Just imagine if you idealized The Hulk!!! Or not…) When you can learn to admire someone and aspire to be more like them, instead of falling victim to idealization, you can learn to accept yourself, improve yourself, and shine through.